Things I hope I remember...(OR, idle gyan 'coz I'm too bored to write a real post)

Monday morning 9:30 am, I've been here since 7, and already I'm defusing a potentially explosive mistake by IT, by soothing the traders and cajoling IT to clean the mess up asap. Its partly my mistake, too, as I should have questioned the assumptions made during the whole process. In between kissing ass of all concerned and making them work, I thot I should write down things that I keep reminding myself...(also, this counts as a post, and goes towards fulfilling my resolution of atleast 5 posts per week) -

1. Never make any assumptions, if possible. If you absolutely have to make assumptions, validate them, publicise them, and be ready to question them, always.
2. Professional life is the constant struggle between covering your ass and actually getting something done. Sometimes you have to follow the whole process, and cover every eventuality to ensure success, sometimes (especially when time is of the essence), you have to improvise, streamline, speed up the process or abandon process and use your experience and instinct to get the job done. The ability to understand when to do what, is your competence.
3. It doesn't just sound sexy, it also makes professional sense to stand up for what you believe in, as long as you believe it is in the best interests of the firm. If you accept status quo, you are not just dooming your firm to mediocrity, you are also losing a chance to coast into the upper echelons of the firm.
4. There are things that are made by man, there are things that are made by God (or nature, or evolution, or chaos, whatever makes you happy). Examples of the former are religion, plastic, and business processes, while examples of the latter are human nature, trees, and free will. Preserve and deal very carefully with things made by God, question, debate and try to improve everything made by man.
5. Sometimes you screw up, or sometimes things get so out of control that you get angry, frustrated, or you start to panic. In those times, take a deep breath, look out of the window (or if you face skyscrapers, like I do), come out of the office, take a walk or get a breath of fresh air. In my case, I come out and walk till the end of Wall St, which is also the end of Manhattan island, and stand at the pier, by the East River. I can see Brooklyn Bridge on one side, and the Statue of Liberty on the other side. If I turn around, I can see the mass of structures thats Wall St. I think to myself, any screw-up that i do, is it going to kill somebody? Is it going to affect any God-given bounty to mankind? Will the Sun not rise tomorrow? Will the stars stop shining tonight? When I find the answers to these questions is No, I smile and come back to work. Try asking yourself these questions, and you will get a proper perspective on your missteps. (In case the answers to any of those questions is Yes, then you are really screwed, man...)
6. Everyday, try talking to atleast one stranger face-to-face. It could be at work, in the train on your way home, at the supermarket, in the gym or the pub. It could be a simple smile and a comment about the weather, or it could be an interesting conversation lasting hours and several drinks (and a number, if you are so inclined and so lucky). It could be with someone your own age, it could be someone older, or someone younger (though if you look like the typical engineer or IIM grad, I would suggest staying away from kids below 14, however honorable your intentions...). Approach someone without any preset notions, and without any expectations. It will do wonders to your confidence, give you a fresh perspective on life (Point 5 above was suggested to me by a retired Columbia University doorman, a Scot, who I met at a pub), and might improve your chances of getting laid (not necessarily with a retired Columbia University doorman, but hey, whatever makes you happy...).
7. As far as possible, try to look at both sides of a situation before taking a decision, or jumping to conclusions. If you hate Rudy Guiliani (or love Hillary Clinton) because the New York Times hates him (loves her), try to find out what an ideologically opposite paper (Wall st Journal) says about him (or her). If you love slasher movies and extremely violent video games, try watching the Titanic (or DDLJ). You might still not change your view, but it will help you get a more nuanced position.
8. Look sharp. Nothing spectacular, just shave, trim unwanted facial hair in other places, shower, use a deo, get rid of any nasty odors from your mouth (try chewing gum, works for me), wear clean, matching, pressed shirts and trousers, manage your hair (comb it, gel it, whatever), and wear clean socks and polished shoes. You will not only stand a better chance of being taken seriously at work, your wife will stay some more years with you before running away with a younger guy.

An open letter to Barack Obama, American Presidential Candidate (Democratic)

(An actual mail that i sent to Barack Obama, US presidential candiate competing with Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. He's a young senator from Chicago, Illinois, who reminds people of John Kennedy, and reminds me of a young Rajiv Gandhi in 1984. I'm a volunteer for his campaign, and hope he wins in 2008)
Hi dude,
I was pretty impressed with your restraint till now. Am nevertheless pleased and intrigued that you have started showing some life and a little bite. A caveat - you are walking a thin line. You will have to publicly massacre Hillary while being beyond reproach yourself. So that means you will have to dig up all the shady stuff that her campaign is doing, like muffling the press at every stage (everyone knows it, no one has the balls to get it out), or keeping billy boy out of the news. Your biggest asset right now is your spouse, you have to turn hillary's spouse her biggest liability. So please tell the team in Washington and New York to dig up all the unflttering things about her, like her support for abortion, her being in bed with the building a bridge to nowhere bill, her total neglect of New York state during her term. Spitzer did more in his first day than she did her entire term. Best of luck, I'll do my bit in Harlem, Manhattan and Brooklyn for you, mate...
Oh, and another thing...play up Iran for all its worth, man...i mean, try to get dialogue going with the Ayotollah..if nothing else, you might just succeed in getting ahmedinejad out of power...as it is the iranians are pissed off with him (i know coz i have a lot of iranian friends in new york)confront hillary directly on iran...and more forcefully...like "Hillary wants America to go to war again...", "Hillary is George Bush Lite", "Stop Hillary now!", "We did not want this war, and we do not want another one now...Hillary are you listening?"Link Iran directly with the Iraq war veterans, and decouple Iran from Ahmedinejad...everyone who's not a retard, or a member of the Bush admin.(or both) knows that Ahmeddy boy doesnt count for shit in Iran, its the Khameini, and he's actually on America's side...

Sex and the Indian polity...

One of the major problems of blogging part-time is that you are never really able to capture all those interesting nuggets of wisdom that come to you throughout the day. Life happens 24/7, but u can blog about that life only for about 1 hr per day. To remember all those moments when u finally sit down to write is downright impossible. One way out is to carry a small recorder with you always (like a journalist) and speak out your mind when a thot occurs to you.

Ok, now to the topic, lets start with some pictures to whet your appetite (and calculated to increase page hits) ...

Ukranian Prime minister - Yulia Tymoshenko

Argentina's new president - Christina Fernandez Kirchner

(Be still, my beating heart) Segolene Royal - France's opposition leader, my personal favorite

Belinda Stronach - Canada's minister and presidential hopeful (there were hajaar rumors linking her with Billy Clinton...)

Ok, if you are wondering why these pictures are there, and why this post shouldn't be called 'Fantasies of an overworked nerd in his pre-midlife crisis', the answer to both is the same - focus on the captions, all of these women are either heads of state or senior decision makers in their countries...beautiful, sexy, hot, but senior politicians nevertheless...

wait a minute...sexy women, and politicians...now why does that sound like an oxymoron to me...is it because I'm a FREAKING INDIAN, who had to content his puerile fantasies with Brinda Karat's big bindis and menaka gandhi's (once-upon a time) svelte figure when the elders were watching Doordarshan...and who has to now resign himself to looking at Sonia Gandhi and wonder what might have been, if this italian mami had not been reduced to the grieving housewife by Indian politics....

Seriously, what is it with us Indians...why do we abhor anything even hinting on sensuality or sexiness in our politicians...is it the same old explanation of - "We are Indians, we do not like to discuss such issues in public, and hence all our public servants should be completely sexless, and become maas, betis and bahus if they want our votes". Because thats what happens when a confident, sexy, Indian woman wants to serve our country...she either has to cover herself up in uglies and remove any trace of sensuality of her being, or endure being always being on the coattails of the males (witness jaya jeitley and brinda karat, or even jayalalitha).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not being sexist here, I am not being superflous by focusing on looks, I am not even being ageist (all the above women, BTW, are older than Jayalalitha or Mayawati)...

All I am saying is, in a country that is known for placing a premium on looks while judging its women, whether to star in a remix video, or to star as the trophy wife of the NRI, isn't it amazing that we have always liked our women leaders sexless...why cant the indian public stomach the idea of a strong, sexy woman being able to run the country while taking care of her hair and showing off her shape in fitting sleeveless blouses or short kurtis (lets not even talk about jeans and gowns here)...

P.S. - I promised a review of Alan Greenspan's new book, i still haven't finished, my early word is that its damn good, only everytime i read more than 5 pages at a time I promptly fall asleep...though that might be more 'coz of the crazy hours i keep, rather than Papa Greenspan's lack of writing cred...

Some clarifications to the previous post...

I just realized that some terms in that post might not be understood by the 'cool' guys who are not finance nerds...so i have attempted to explain some of the terms here -

1. mortgage - Americans call a home loan a mortgage. The monthly payment on the home loan is generally called a mortgage payment.

2. Mortgage Lender - The financial institution that gives you the loan. Unlike in India, where most lenders are also banks like ICICI, here you have specialized lenders like Countrywide.

3. Sub-prime Mortgage - Generally mortgages are defined by the interest rate that is charged on the original loan. A Prime rate is the standard bank rate, and denotes a borrower of moderate risk or low risk. A sub-prime mortgage is where the interest rate is higher than the prime rate, to account for the increased risk of some borrowers (people like the guy i explained below, or like me...;-) )

4. mortgage securities - a fantastic invention by a Salomon Brothers guy by means of which the mortgage lender can essentially take the loans that it gives out, put all of them in a big pool, and sell it as bonds to suckers like pension funds and hedge funds. Essentially, the bond payment is the mortgage payment (or the EMI, as they call it in India)

5. Credit Rating Agency - Agencies like Moody's, Standard and Poor's and Fitch. These guys analyze companies, governments and other organizations and rate their bonds ranging from 'investment grade' meaning really, really good organizations with no chance of default (yeah, right...); to 'junk' meaning you might as well buy the lottery (or General Motors stocks)

'Heinlein was wrong - there is such a thing as a free lunch'. Re: the US sub-prime mortgage bailout

Picture this...you are a 30 yr old renter in a suburb in Midwestern US. You have a family, a new job with a not-so-steady salary, old parents on Medicare (US govt. healthcare for seniors) but with increasingly unmanageable healthcare costs, and you an barely make ends meet. However, you believe in the American dream...you believe that, eventually, you will be able to buy a house.
Enter this nice broker from one of the biggest morgage lenders in the country. She offers you a house (your own!), with no credit check, no income verification, no down payment, and nominal payments for the next year. Never mind that little 'adjustable' clause, where your payments increase exponentially after that. Never mind that a house like this is way beyond what you can afford, never mind if a 3rd grader could tell you that the math doesn't make sense. Hey, prices are going up, you can always sell the house, right?
So you take the mortgage, and enter your own house. The mortgage broker makes a ton of money on commissions, the lender makes a ton of money on fees. As for the money the lender gave you, it just uses a bank and a friendly credit rating agency to package it into investment grade securities (suddenly, Wall St trusts you more than the Govt. of India or Brazil). They sell it to the pension fund that holds your risk-averse neighbor' retirement money. The bank, the agency, the lender all make a ton of money. Everyone's happy, most of all you, right?
Right, till you realize that there are such things are taxes and maintenance costs, which the broker glossed over when she sold you the loan. Suddenly its tough for you to find work, and you can barely manage to pay the low initial interest payments. Just when you think things cant get any worse, the 'adjustable' clause kicks in, and you are left with monthly payments bigger than your current income. You default, and you go to the nearest bar, and the nearest foreclosure lawyer for sustenance. Meanwhile each default of yours is another nail in the coffin of that sexy investment grade security your mortgage had become, and your lender, bank and your neighbour's pension fund are all looking at losses. Things look really bad, right?
Wrong. for here's where the fun begins. Papa Govt., aided by some scathing New York Times editorials, orders a stay on foreclosures, and directs lenders to give you the option of a kinder mortgage rate, which you can pay at your leisure. You can even take your sweet time with the payments, no one will kick you out of your house. Meanwhile, Santa Bernanke decreases interest rates, and allows banks to borrow at a lower rate and keep their crap mortgage securities till the next boom. This way everyone's happy.
Everyone, that is, except that poor pension fund, which invests only in investment grade securities. It cannot unload its securities, the banks will not give it a loan, and its value halves, along with the value of your neighbor's nest egg. So Heinlein was right after all, there IS no such thing as a free lunch for America. Contrary to what the public believes, the greedy get rich and the risk-averse suffer not in a free-market economy, but in a turncoat economy thats capitalist when the goings good and that protects you from any loss when the going's bad.
I guess Indians would get deja vu on reading this, having witnessed countless UTIs and co-operative bank bailouts ourselves...

only in new york...

On a lazy Sunday morning after a mad booze and puke-filled party the night before, Hema dragged me (along with Samcho and Vikrant, who were crashing at my place) to Union Square as she had an appointment with the hair stylist. While waiting for her, we guys were browsing through the Sale section of the Strand at 12th and Broadway. Most of the books were for a buck, and I was looking at some good ones on american history (have been trying to understand what exactly makes this country so much richer than India, its certainly not the intellect...), when i noticed this handwritten note inside one of the books. Untitled and unsigned, it was likely written by some couple trying to start a family, or could be just a bored co-ed, there was no way of knowing. It was pretty sweet, though. I've reproduced it below, go through it, its a nice read -

Once upon a time, not so long ago, there lived a happy couple called Sandra and Eddie. 'Yes', they said, 'we are very happy', 'But', declared Sandra, 'If we had a baby then we would be the happiest people in the world', and Eddie agreed.
So they set out to get a baby. They wished upon the stars - can you please give us a baby, but they only smiled and twinkled back, 'we are too far away to give you a baby', 'perhaps you can try someone else.'
They followed a rainbow and found a leprechaun sitting on a crock of gold. 'Mr. Lep, can you give us a baby', asked Sandra and Eddie. 'A baby?!' said the leprechaun gruffly, 'I can't give you a baby - I can give you this crock of gold, perhaps you can try the Easter bunny.' But that is not what Sandra and Eddie wanted, a crock of gold is not a baby. So off they went and asked the Easter bunny 'Mr. Easter bunny can you please give us a baby'. 'A Baby?', said the Easter bunny twitching its nose, 'I can't give you a baby - I can give an Easter egg perhaps you can try the stork.'
So off went Sandra and Eddie and asked the stork, 'Mr Stork can you give us a baby?'. 'A baby', said the stork peering down his glasses, 'I can't give you a baby, its thanksgiving and I am on my way to Florida, its far too cold here. Perhaps when I get back I can give you a baby'. 'But we want one this year', cried Sandra and Eddie.
Poor poor Sandra and Eddie, they were so sad. 'Now what do we do?' asked Sandra, 'Its almost Christmas and we have no baby.' Then Eddie had an idea, 'I know, lets write a letter to Santa Claus...

And there it ended, evidently incomplete. Extremely cheesy, but it struck a chord with my dehydrated, hungover, post-pukescent brain... I showed it to Samcho, he liked it too. I gave the parchment to Vikrant to read, he glanced over it, murmured something inaudible and went back to a book on automobiles that he had unearthed from the junk...Just then the missus came out with no apparent change in hair length or texture (in fact, it seemed as if her hair had magically grown longer), and asked, 'hows my hair?' After the obligatory comments on how they make her look thin, smart, sexy, young, successful and so 'New York', I eagerly gave her the piece of paper to read...'See what I found!' She took it from my hands, went through it slowly, and as always, had the last word...'But why didn't they just have sex?'...

veni, vidi...and i'm back for more

So here I am, back at the drawing board, trying to make sense of my life in the big, bad city of New York. A lot of things have happened in the interim. I started my new job as a business analyst at the Prime Brokerage/Securities Lending arm of a major bank at Wall St (for the uninitiated, thats the division where banks trde and borrow stocks for hedge funds). The hours are definitely crazier, what with me having to reach office at 7:30 am, and staying till atleast 6/7 pm. Hence the delay in putting down any random gyan in the old blog...

Meanwhile, life goes on...Another government learns (again!) that give a man a loan, and you get a global sub-prime mortgage crisis. The average citizen, meanwhile, learns (again!) that greed is good, as long as a large enough number of people are greedy. You always have the govt. to bail you out during those annoying foreclosures. In the middle of all this, Wall St, of course, sells crap with an investment grade rating and gets another 50 basis points off the fed funds rate by Santa Bernanke. (Read this article for more - http://online.wsj.com/article/SB119016992710232040.html?mod=googlenews_wsj )
Alan Greenspan starts speaking to people who have not paid 50 grand to hear him, once again, and this time, somebody actually manages to translate him into English and bring out the most eagerly awaited book of the year (read the review http://www.latimes.com/features/books/la-et-book17sep17,0,3146931.story?coll=la-home-center )
A couple in delhi manufacture (don't ask how) babies from 12 yr old girls that they kidnap, then sell the babies. (see http://www.ibnlive.com/news/impact-police-arrests-delhis-baby-traders/47977-3.html)
Ram Gopal Verma manages to commit sacrilege all over again by daring to reinvent what is arguably the best hindi movie of all time, while the Big B indulges in his late life crisis....
Oprah cosies up to Obama (sorry Bill, my heart might beat for you but my purse opens for my fellow Chicagoan). SRK gets abs while Britney loses hers (along with her mind, and maybe her kids)...A beauty queen in North Carolina presents her credentials to become the next president of the United States, Vikram flatters to deceive in Bheema, while he just might redeem himself in Kandasamy ( this last re:tam movies, for everyone else)
Yep, life as know it, goes on...faster than I can even muse about it...but I'm gonna try, by God...and this time, a bit more regularly. So for the few stoned slackers who actually read my bilge (Jon Stewart, love u man)... heres the scoop...I'm back, and I'm worse than before...